Today I am 28.
Since I was 18, I’ve had anxiety about getting older, I always felt like my time was running out and that I had done nothing with my life, I would not be remembered.
It was a deep seeded carried over habit from a past life I am sure.
Every year March would be hell for me and I would usually end up crying to myself quietly on my birthday, I know that’s bad luck!. Things got worse as I got older, all my friends were having babies and getting engaged, every time this happened the anxiety would kick in, I would feel upset, like I wasn’t good enough for my long term boyfriend and I would wonder, “When was it my turn?”.
I distinctly remember crying when one of my friends told me she was engaged, they weren’t happy tears they were tears of upset. My boyfriend and I had been together 3 years at the time, I was 23 at the time and in my eyes that was when everyone got engaged. I was happy for her but devastated for myself. Time was running out.
I knew that I was being stupid and I would tell myself I was being ridiculous, your time will come. But I could not stop it.
Life for me was supposed to be worked out by 25, I was supposed to married and starting a family at that age.
I was none of those things, I was working my arse off with my photography capturing beautiful memories for my clients, I was also working on becoming a better announcer at the radio station.
We had our first overseas holiday to Europe in 2013 where I thought surely he would do it there. This was a perfect opportunity. It didn’t have to be on the Eiffel Tower, it could have been in London, Edinburgh or Amsterdam.
It wasn’t my time yet.
Before our overseas holiday I became friends with some psychic ladies and my word I cannot tell you how much they helped put me on the right path.
I was angry all the time, for no reason. I just hated the world and the people in it, I had a terrible temper and was a loose cannon some days. After connecting with my spirit guide in 2012/2013 I was told to stop trying to make it happen, stop worrying about it that my time would come. I was dubious, I’m a control freak, I like to know what is happening and when and if it’s not happening fast enough I will step in and make it happen.
It’s who I am.
So I tried to stop pushing it, I did my best.
2013 was a game changer for me, this was the year I stopped being angry with everyone and everything (I still don’t know why I was angry but my word I was), it was the year I finally got to return home to Europe, it was the year my photography took off.
My boyfriend started mentioning that it would be happening soon at the end of 2013 so I couldn’t tell how ecstatic I was when I suggested we have a look at rings in March 2014 before we went to Bali and he agreed.
I got to pick my stunning engagement ring and this stemmed the anxiety
about getting older for a little while.
That Birthday my 26th I had another anxiety attack about getting older and having done nothing with my life. So clearly getting married wasn’t the problem here,
it was about getting older.
My boyfriend finally proposed in September 2014 whilst we were on holidays in the Red Centre, Finke Gorge to be precise and I’m going to have to say happiest day of my life so far, we had no service for most of the day which was a killer because
I couldn’t wait to tell the family.
Last year, 2015, my 27th birthday was the worst birthday.
Anxiety about getting older and still having done nothing with my life, feeling like I had no true friends here in town. (Everyone I classed as a true friend lives away) I broke down at work. I HATE crying at work and showing weakness it’s not who I am and what I do. God Damn it I am a strong person, I don’t cry.
I knew I wasn’t alone like I was feeling in my mind, I knew I had a few friends here in town and one at work yet I could tell myself that over and over again but my mind would not believe. I knew I had done things with my life, I was successful,
yet I could not believe myself.
It was a miserable day.
Today I turn 28, today is the first day I have not had anxiety about getting older and having done nothing. Today I didn’t cry on my Birthday.
Today I kicked anxiety’s butt.
I’m 28, I’m a kick arse photographer, I’ve written an epic book series and
I’m an awesome radio announcer.
I HAVE done something with my life.
Scarlett Photography 